If you are like most people, then you too have this strange tendency to wait for others to fill in your needs. This pattern of “waiting for others” is a bad habit, causing a lot of pain and stress in your relationships. It can even be fatal and needlessly ruin a relationship!
Reason enough to take a closer look at this habit and learn how to handle it.
At the start of a new relationship, you get everything you have been longing for, sometimes since early childhood: love, affection, tenderness, attention, excitement and energy.
You think you’ve finally found your Prince Charming (or Princess Charming) and all your needs are fulfilled forever, “They lived long and happily ever after.” You wallow in the illusion that this new excitement will last forever, and that you don’t have to do anything in order to keep receiving this stream of love and energy from your significant other.
Reality turns out differently. Not that after a while your lover loves you less, but that a big share of his attention and energy goes to his job, friends and activities he used to have before meeting you.
You panic. What’s going on? Does he not love you anymore? Did you become ugly, fat, or boring? You try to find a reason why the stream of energy coming from him is weakening. You were used to feel 300 Volt coming from him, and now you have to content yourself with a lousy 100.
You decide that you won’t let this happen and you demand he continues to give you what he gave in the beginning. You are focused on what you think you are entitled to receive, and on what the other “should” be giving you.
How strange! Why don’t you focus on what YOU can give to HIM? Why be so stubborn to maintain this bizarre belief that everything you need should be given to you by someone else? Why wait for the other to give to you what you need? Why not give it to yourself? And why not simply give to the other what YOU would like to receive for yourself?
You have nothing to lose by this approach. But I can assure you that you have a lot to gain: love, affection, tenderness, attention, excitement and energy. That’s right! Exactly the same things the other freely provided you with in the beginning!
YOU can give them to yourself, and to him. Giving is the only fail-safe way to make sure you receive.
Try to understand this. If you have to wait for somebody else to give you what you need, you can wait forever and there’s a decent risk you will never get it.
If you give what you need to yourself and to the other, then you have it both ways: once because you gave it to yourself, and once because you will get back from the other what you gave him. You can have your pie and eat it!
Why does it work this way? Because by giving something, you are tuning yourself to the frequency of that which you give. Let’s say, for example, you need attention. Instead of examining the behavior, facial and verbal expressions of your partner, trying to detect whether he gives you enough attention, you can give attention to him! Ask him how he is feeling right now, how his day went, what he learned today, and if he met any interesting people. Show your genuine interest, and I bet he will be interested in you too. You give attention, and you will get attention in return!
You want love? Give love! You want advice? Give advice! You need an energy boost? Boost up someone else’s energy level and in doing so you will feel your own energy rising! You want people to listen to you? Then first listen carefully to someone else who needs to be heard. You want more friends? Then befriend others! You want more respect from your children? Respect them!
So, in order to get what you want, learn to give it first.
Instead of waiting for your significant other to give you love, why don’t you give love to him or her?
Instead of waiting for your children to respect you, why don’t you start by respecting them? Be an example.
Instead of dreaming of a wonderful job that satisfies your needs, try to be wonderful at your current job first!
Instead of wanting your friends to invest time and energy in your relationship, why don’t you give some extra time and energy to them?
Instead of waiting for peace and calm to come into your life, why don’t you create the silence and inner balance needed to feel the peace you long for?
It’s all a matter of energy vibrating. By giving what you want to others, you are tuning in to the vibrational energy of what it is you want. If you want love and you give it to others, you are in the energy of love already. Giving love makes you feel that love and thus you then attract more love into your life. Giving attention makes you feel the attention. Giving respect puts you in the energy vibration of respect and you will attract more respect towards yourself.
This works for anything you desire. You will not only get what you want by giving it, but you will also be much less dependent on others. You will feel the power of being in charge of your own life!
Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist. My goal is to help you achieve success and happiness. Learn to love yourself and your mission on earth. Two free e-courses at http://www.theenthusiasm.com
